i am trying to give away my life to make something better but i cant even do that. i cant do it because my fucking body cant handle living. and i walk around in a fever and god knows how long ive been doing it because i cant even feel it anymore. i thought i felt good until they told me otherwise but i guess the heat and the sweat werent the fault of the sun after all.
and i thought it would all be ok once i fell in love but i relied too heavily on other people's acceptance. so i hang up on my own parents just to stem the tide of "suggestions" and i hide concerned letters where i dont have to read them. i throw my keys across the room just to hear them crash into the cement walls.
once upon a time i thought i could just get into life here and be ok. but ill tell you what, if you try and get into something youll just get fucked over. you can spend a few hours and five pages trying to get into something but youll just get your effort tossed back carelessly onto your desk with a 5/5 written on it. and it wont count worth shit.
and all these people i dont know want to talk all the time. but i dont want to talk. i wish there was a decent way to tell them to fuck off. there isnt. i pretend to have conversation until enough time passes that i can successfully lie my way away.
well frankly all i can think to do about it is lie in bed when i should be in class, feeling sick and staring at the poster of open windows on my ceiling. so thats what im doing. and i write my troubles out on the internet in a desperate attempt to get them out of my head. well its a pretty stupid way to live but i think its working.
and i havent even resorted to the bottle of vodka in my refrigerator. and based on past history i think thats pretty fucking admirable.
posted by Anonymous @ 2:00 PM
