i got the best schedule for next year that i had even considered hoping for. i needed this. im finally getting the slightest bit excited about college. although it still lacks certain essential things... or people...
but here is the beauty of my schedule:
spanish 4 / 1:00 - 1:50 / monday, wednesday, friday
english 92 - british american fiction after 1945 / 2:00-2:50 / monday, wednesday, friday
comp 14 - intro to computer programming / 3:00 - 4:15 / monday, wednesday, and 3:00-3:50 on friday
asia 51 - sex, crime, and corruption in southeast asia / 12:30-1:45 / tuesday, thursday
clar 20 - ancient cities / 2:00-3:15 / tuesday, thursday
do you SEE that? not a single class that starts before 12:30. AND not a single class that ends later than 4:15. granted, im waitlisted on spanish 4, but im first on the waiting list so i really hope i can get in. because this schedule is IDEAL.
life would be ideal if you were here.
"but i guess fear has a way of making sleep unbearable
and the days seem dark and long
but we cry and we dance
and we stumble into love with perfect, awkward grace
the moon is gone and the sun has took its place"
~bright eyes, a celebration upon completion
dunbar was not in love. this certainty winds snakelike through my brain,recurring with a venomous stab every few hours, while time and i move at identical speeds: s. l. o. w. i dont know what to attribute the varying sensations to. the sharp stab behind my stomach, maybe its just one more manifestation of mono. i wish i could transform time into a snapshot. i would hold a lit match to the corner and it would curl and disintegrate into nothing and when the last ash slipped from between my fingers you would be standing in front of me again exactly as we were before. i have never known a loneliness so acute, just as i have never known an exhaustion so overpowering. i dont know how to speed the time. i dont know how to force your return. i am afraid to force my departure. please dont leave me to the mercy of this sharp stab behind my stomach. this certainty winds snakelike through my brain: i cannot do this alone.
today i sat out on the screen porch for a while, just doing nothing. drowning in the heat. i could hear everything. it was amazing, really amazing. i could hear the click of a squirrels claws on the pine tree in the back yard, and every crunch of sophies feet on the pine straw in her pen. i could hear about a billion birds, each with a different voice, and the playful interactions of tree leaves in the wind. i could hear dogs barking on the opposite side of the neighborhood and somewhere someone was slamming something with a hammer. car doors crashed back into their sockets, kids squealed, and some sort of wasp buzzed around the ceiling. it was really amazing.
sometimes things like that are just enough. do you know what i mean? they dont make you happy or in love with the world or willing to believe in religion. they are just enough. they satisfy. its as if there was an emptiness, a hunger, and you finally filled it. you can stop worrying. you can stop searching for that missing thing. its done, full, finished. enough.
i miss simon so much that sometimes i stand behind the counter at work and look out the windows at the parking lot and pretend i see him walking up to the store. i cut myself off when the imaginary conversations start up. im not getting paid to make up words inside my head. so i save that for the nighttime when im lying in bed.
lying on the couch with your head in the lap of the person you love, knowing that everything about each moment is slipping away one atom at a time - it hurts. and you can squirt some salt water out of your eyes to try and fill the emptiness that is taking over, but you will never fill anything up. knowing that so many people are pleased that this is ending, knowing that they cant see that this is the happiest you have been in the longest time - it hurts. but you know they are doing their best, and youve just got to forgive. so i lay on the couch with my head in the lap of the person i love and felt everything slipping away. i wanted to run upstairs and grab my camera and crystalize everything about every moment that passed, keep it caged and on display permanently, but my legs are too weak to run anywhere after all the sickness that has been gutting my body. so i just watched your face, every particle that makes up your face. every piece of hair, every freckle, the lines that make up your silhouette. im sorry im too sick to kiss you.
lying in bed after you left, i let everything i associate with you flow through my head in a disorganized, chaotic stream. just words and ideas and images. like cloud chamber, here comes the airplane, messing with my hair, terrible godawful miserable direction-giving, sorry about calling you puppy kicker it was my fault, the beach, starfish, monkey face, cookie monster, the bridge over I-40, hey i like your lip ring. thanks, want to make out?, art lord vs spader, punching me in the jaw, all the fights we had just to make up, eating inside the house of branches, sin city and scarface and kill bill and donnie darko and fight club and scotland pa and noi, throat healing third place tea, driving, every red light we ever hit, ninja turtle toes, and oh jesus so much more. i slept really well last night. i slept great.
there is so much about this that hurts right now. god knows that this hurts in a way that even the breath clogging, saliva blocking, raw, bleeding pain in my throat cant challenge. but at the same time this is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. this is beautiful in a way that even the most beautiful heartwrenching music ever heard in the history of the world cant challenge. i dont regret anything about anything we ever did. not a second of it. i promise you i never will. it would be so easy to let myself become trapped in the pain of this right now. and we all know how easy it is for me to let myself get sucked into those kinds of feelings. but right now i think i would rather let myself become trapped in the indescribable beauty of what has been, and what i desperately hope will still be. the happiness - its more representative of what we have had.
i love you. so much that i do not know how to go about putting it into words, i love you. with everything in me, from the bottom of my heart - i love you. i hope neither of us ever forget that, even if time brings changes. i hope these memories remain as glorious as they are right at this moment, this one instant in time. even if i dont dare hope for anything more, i will hope for that.
