in a bleak, helpless sky, i saw the sun rise
His white and receding hairline curls away from his sun-reddened forehead as if in fear of coming into contact with the flaming skin. I read the standard red-cursive name label on his blue work shirt: Emmett. I am momentarily afraid: a subconscious reaction to his unsteady grin, his bug-eyes, and his unfortunate lopsided walk.
"Amy here?" he asks, leaning heavily against the checkout counter. "Nope. Maybe later this afternoon." We speak in sentences that might be short, might be clipped, but for our southern drawls. Mine, incidentally, becomes far more pronounced at work.
He-ey, how yoo doin? His vacantly cheerful expression is unaffected by my reply. "I loaned her a DVD and CD. Thought I might get 'em back." I nod and say "Mmm" to show my understanding of this unfortunate situation. This noise can replace almost any word in almost any conversation and therefore I have long since mastered its swift and smooth production. There are hours and sometimes even days when I will go to great lengths to avoid using actual words, for whatever reason. Usually for no reason.
"Nice store ya'll got here."
"Mmm. Yes. Thanks."
His gaze pans around the store, absorbing the brightly colored books, magnets, rolls of Scotch tape, posters... millions of objects that might be considered practically unrelated outside of the teaching profession.
"I wash windows," he says. "Been washin 'em here for 13 years." His eyes take a glance at mine to judge my reaction.
"Mmm." I attempt to keep my face neutral, because that's about how I feel, but I have no way of knowing if this is accomplished. Am I supposed to show surprise? Dismay? Pity? Jealousy? I do not have a clue what he expects to find in my expression.
We are silent for a moment and I find it even more uncomfortable than the one-sided conversation. I search for words that could potentially add to this dialogue.
So, how'd you get into the window washing business? Clean any really dirty windows lately? What kind of cleaner is best on glass? I feel idiotic just thinking these things, and I wisely remain silent, leaving him in the leading role. He picks back up before long.
"Got a sale goin, huh?"
"Yep." I tell him that it doesn't actually start until Monday, and then I detail it for him. This is familiar territory. I tell this to pretty much everyone who comes in the store. The information is prepackaged and ready to be dispensed at this point. But either he isn't listening to what I'm saying or he just doesn't comprehend it.
"So the sale's goin well, huh?"
What do you say? Do you start all over with your explanation, thinking you made the mistake? I don't want to patronize him. I don't want to embarrass myself, either. I just nod and smile and say, "Mmm."
He walks outside and I'm momentarily relieved. It is an awkward conversation, at least for me, and I'm ready to end it. I perch upon the tall gray swivel chair and cross my legs. Through the glass storefront, I can see that he hasn't left at all. Instead, he's browsing the tables labeled "Sidewalk Sale 75% Off" that Marcia, Amy, and I drag outside every morning and back inside every evening. Usually, one or more of the tables collapses mid-carry and I wind up with bruised feet and ankles where they fall on me. My feelings towards the sidewalk sale are somewhat negative, to say the least. But by now I know the contents of the tables fairly intimately, and I'm confident that there is nothing on them that would interest an aging window washer. I expect him to glance at the items disinterestedly before moving on. His glancing, however, appears to contain quite a bit of interest.
Two or three minutes later he's back in the store with a t-shirt in hand. He gives me an almost proud smile as he lays it on the counter. I look down at the shirt. It is decorated with a picture of bunnies on a playground and says something like "Running a daycare is a
hare-raising job!" Miraculously, I do not laugh. I say, "What a cute shirt!" with as much enthusiasm as I can muster, and I smile with my lips pressed tight to keep the rising giggles from exploding in his face.
He agrees, and his enthusiasm is clearly honest. He talks for at least five minutes about how much he likes the shirt, how he has no affiliation whatsoever with any daycare except he drops his dog off at a doggy daycare, how he buys stuff from Amy's store all the time and keeps it in his office even though he isn't a teacher, etc etc. I make my invaluable noise at appropriate places in the conversation and continue to smile. It is about as friendly as I can manage at 1:45 in the afternoon with no food inside of me, 4 hours of work behind me and 3 more to go, in the face of this bewildering man.
Eventually he allows me to ring up the sale, eventually he stops chatting long enough to pay me (he tells me he doesn't need a receipt;
"No way I'll be returnin this shirt!"), and eventually he moves away towards the door. I glance at the clock and judge that my pizza is about 15 minutes from arrival. My stomach makes a noise similar to the sound, "Mmm."
Emmett pauses at the door and leans against the half wall around the window displays. He peers into the display.
Don't start talking again, please don't start talking again. "Would ya look at that poster!" he laughs, and then quotes, "'Being different can be GOOD!'" The poster has pictures of oranges all over it. One of the oranges is "different" from the others. He talks for another several minutes about the poster and the window display in general. No response is even necessary from me at this point.
Finally he puts one hand against the door and with the other fumbles for his sunglasses. As he slides the glasses onto his face and begins to open the door, I call after him, "Have a nice day!"
He turns, looks at me. Gives me a vacant smile.
"Yup, it sure
is a hot day! Oooh boy is it hot!" He shakes his head good-naturedly and wanders out into the heat. As I watch his lopsided walk carry him across the parking lot, I wonder if he ever even saw me. I wonder if I entered his consciousness at all.
Moments later, one of the best pizzas I have ever had the pleasure of eating was handed to me across the blue counter.
Goodbye, Emmett.
Hello, Dominoes.
so kit did this thing on her myspace where she listed 100 facts about herself. i thought it was kind of neat and i wondered what the hell i would say if i were to try that. so i decided to try that.
1. I do not know what meat tastes like.
2. I have moved 3 times but I have always lived in the same area.
3. My favorite animal is the pig. I want to own a pig one day.
4. I have a great job with an amazing boss, but I still hate working.
5. I am [slowly] recovering from mono.
6. I'm good at word games. Jumbles, Scrabble, etc. I really like that sort of thing.
7. I just finished the book "Cat's Cradle" and I'm think I'm a Bokononist.
8. I still like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I watched one of their movies today.
9. When I was younger I wanted to be an architect because I liked playing with Legos. It took me a pretty long time to figure out that building Lego structures and being an architect are very different things.
10. I used to be very painfully shy and paranoid. I still am to some extent, but I make up for it by acting like I'm outgoing. It works pretty well, I think.
11. The story "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk made me feel physically ill, but I still thought it was an awesome story.
12. I need to clean my room.
13. I have post traumatic stress disorder.
14. I am in love.
15. I enjoy watching the TV guide channel more than I enjoy most actual TV shows.
16. Last night I named my strawberry daquiri "Rosatia."
17. I avoid returning phone calls, regardless of who it is that I'm supposed to call.
18. I always wish I could be friends with everyone I meet.
19. I am amazed by the number of friends I have that I really, truly consider "friends" - people I can talk to openly, who care about me, who I care about. I used to think that friendship was a shallow facade used solely for selfish gains. I think I've grown past that.
20. I am amazed by how little I desire male attention from anyone else, even now that Simon is away.
21. I thought I would find it difficult to hold on to a long distance relationship. I was both right and wrong. It is difficult to be apart, but easy to remain in love.
22. Perfectionism is a weakness of mine, but one that I am [very] slowly beginning to overcome.
23. I spend too much time on aim without talking to anyone. In fact, I often put up away messages without going away so that I can be online without having to talk to anyone. I'm still not sure why I feel the need to be online if I don't want to talk to anyone.
24. Everyone always tells me, in regards to my depression, that I don't need to feel bad about myself, be hard on myself, etc. I always respond, truthfully, that it is not myself that I have a problem with. It is other people. I am more or less content with myself.
25. Sometimes I think that I have a huge ego problem. Sometimes I just think that I have a huge ego, but that it isn't much of a problem.
26. Usually I don't think that I have a huge ego, but that I have a realistic self-view. I know generally who I am, and I have made myself into someone that I am not uncomfortable with being.
27. I'm surprised by how difficult this is.
28. I am afraid to be too open about myself in making this list, because I do not trust the internet.
29. I may get my learner's permit this week. This would be a huge step in my progress towards driving, as I completed driver's education 2.5 years ago but never got any further.
30. I love melon balls. I think the melon tastes better that way, however illogical that may be.
31. I find it nearly impossible to talk meaningfully over the phone.
32. I like peanut butter to an unnatural extent.
33. When in a group situation where I don't know anyone, I instinctively move towards and attempt to befriend the more attractive people in the group.
34. I used to be humiliated to admit to anything at all negative about myself.
35. I am no longer ashamed of the vast majority of my own flaws. Experience has taught me that nearly everyone is just as strange and imperfect as I am.
36. Even though I'm personally not a big fan, I firmly believe that everyone should watch porn at some point in their life. I think it's a good life experience.
37. I love to lie in bed, whether I'm tired or not. I find it comforting.
38. I am much, much more open than I used to be. Even my parents used to say I was mysterious.
39. I once attempted to kill my older brother by smothering him beneath a blanket. When I eventually released him, his face was bright red and he was gasping for air. I did not feel guilty.
40. I used to pile blankets and pillows at the bottom of my staircase and then slide down the stairs inside a sleeping bag. It was definitely worth all of the bruises I got.
41. I have given myself two black eyes, a broken bone, and at least one concussion purely through my own clumsiness.
42. I love the color green.
43. I find my own dreams extraordinarily boring, even while I am dreaming. I often laugh at myself after waking up, because my dreams are so pathetic.
44. I hate feeling intellectually inferior, but at the same time I despise school.
45. I hate feeling intellectually superior. I find it awkward.
46. I am often unfairly judgemental.
47. I do not know if I spelled judgemental correctly, but I am too lazy to check my own spelling.
48. I have never mowed the grass and I hope I never will.
49. My head aches.
50. I love shopping for school supplies and/or office supplies. Why??? I do not like school or working.
51. I do not control my temper well.
52. I thoroughly enjoy violent video games.
53. I cannot stand the name "John Vanderslice" even though I love his music.
54. Although I'm not religious, I feel closer to Judaism than to Christianity.
55. I am terrified of having children. I cannot imagine feeling so responsible for the creation of another life.
56. I wish I was better at pool. I love playing, but I'm not very good.
57. I love to read. I even love reading books assigned for school.
58. I cannot remember the last time I did not feel tired.
59. I am not musically talented.
60. I am eating ice cream as I type this.
61. I just finished the ice cream. Damn...
62. I love my dog, and I definitely spoil her.
63. I am currently listening to the song "Poison Oak" by Bright Eyes.
64. I often feel guilty without knowing why. I think this is probably because I used to lie almost constantly, and I got in the habit of feeling guilty whenever I spoke. I don't lie much anymore, but I still feel guilty when I speak, whether I tell the truth or not.
65. I used to have 2 pet newts. One lived for 8 years, the other for 10. I loved them, and I cannot believe that they lived as long as they did. I miss them. I used to talk to them whenever I was feeling bad.
66. My mind often feels detachable from my body. I tend to feel somewhat distanced from physical pain. It still hurts, but it also amuses me.
67. A couple months ago I started getting hallucinations. I switched medicines and they stopped.
68. I am no longer afraid to talk about my depression. I used to refuse to admit, even to my brother, that I took medicine. After I finally told him, he was impressed by how well I had kept the secret. He told me that he had never suspected.
69. I feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with my brother.
70. Family gatherings stress me out and put me in a rather negative mood, despite the fact that I truly like everyone in my extended family.
71. Fireworks are ok, but I'm not crazy about them.
72. I am indecisive.
73. I like to get on InkLink and deliberately piss people off.
74. I like to create fake email addresses, ages, names, and birthdates to use online.
75. It annoys me when people pray before a sporting event. If there is a god, he probably has more important things to worry about than who wins a soccer/football/baseball/basketball game.
76. I don't like watching or listening to the news, or reading the newspaper. My parents say I need to be informed, but information usually depresses me badly.
77. I like to attend dance performances every now and then.
78. I do not like to dance unless I am under the influence.
79. Ever since my trip to France earlier this summer, I cannot think about omelettes without feeling horribly ill. Like right now... ugh.
80. I wish I could go to jail without having to get a criminal record. I just want to experience what it's like.
81. I have a bad habit of making fun of other people, sometimes aloud and sometimes just in my own head. Like the girl in the mall who was wearing a shirt that said, "This bod belongs to god."
82. I lack patience. I severely lack patience.
83. More often than not, I do not answer my cell phone when it rings.
84. I like the smell of gas stations and of car exhaust.
85. I cannot stand it when my parents argue. They argue a lot less now than they used to, thank goodness.
86. I love hot tubs if there is a regular pool nearby to jump into after a few minutes. If there isn't, I get way too hot and I don't like it.
87. The only people I actually know in my neighborhood are my two immediate neighbors, one on each side of my house. I do not associate with anyone of my own age who lives in the neighborhood.
88. I don't dive off a diving board unless I'm under the influence. I'm too scared to do it sober, because my mother used to tell me I could break my neck.
89. I'm afraid to jump really high on a trampoline. Again, I was frequently told that I would break my neck.
90. I love the smell of clean laundry.
91. When I get nervous, I either talk way too little or way too much.
92. I make a wish every time I see that all of the numbers on my digital clock are the same, like at 5:55.
93. If the question, "Are you in the mood for evil, or pie?" was posed to me at this exact moment, I think I would choose evil. Pie sounds pretty good too, though.
94. I always slouch down in the computer chair and prop my feet up against the wall when I'm on the computer. This involves twisting my entire upper body sideways in order to type.
95. I dislike checking my email, but I like receiving emails. I like receiving messages in any form, actually.
96. Sometimes I hope and believe that I'll love college next year. Sometimes I hope and believe that I'll hate it.
97. I love my parents.
98. Almost every day I work, I get a Lime Rickey to drink from Goodberrys.
99. I love Annie's Goddess salad dressing.
100. It is dinner time.
