posted by Anonymous @ 7:17 PM
7.06.2005
ive been in a strange mood all day. apart from about an hour spent playing computer games with my mother this afternoon, i havent felt much like talking or moving or doing anything. i feel kind of like im sleepwalking. like my eyes arent really open. like everything is so far away from me that i cant touch it or even really think about it. i didnt even bother to feel amused or annoyed when a woman came into the store today asking for things shaped like boogie boards. i didnt even mind laminating 150 feet of pages ripped out of decorating magazines. it took three hours. i was almost glad to have to do it. at least i didnt have to think. just stand in front of the machine with the heat almost melting your face and slide page after page into the thin mouth. you dont even have to talk to the customers. when i got home i didnt feel like doing anything so i sat at the kitchen table and ate ice cream until i thought i was going to be sick. its about all ive been eating this summer. my stomach is still aching from it. i dont really care. i feel the ache, but i dont feel it - it is separate from me. something that i can evaluate from a distance without being connected to it. there is Me, and there is My Stomach. and they are very different. god, what am i talking about? im lonely and bored but i dont feel like talking. im tired but i dont want to go to bed. im restless without wanting to move. i feel like drinking. i feel like having so much alcohol that i just lay on the couch without even being able to move the muscles in my face, like i did that night a few months ago. or maybe drinking so much that i fall down the stairs again. really i just want to drink enough that i cant feel anything but good. that is my only goal. and god knows i dont feel good right now. but i suppose i ought to stick to my resolution to stop getting drunk. i suppose it will do me good in the long run. besides, who wants to get drunk when there isnt even anyone around to make out with? ahhhh goddamnit... what a night.