is this the city of angels or demons?

I want to write this post to remind myself that things can turn around. Sometimes it's unbelievable how hard that is to remember. The fact is though, you take the time and the actions to turn things around and it's not easy but you'll do it. And when you do you'll find yourself sitting in a room that has never felt so comfortable, smiling like an idiot at your computer screen while you talk to the person you love online, while other kids try to study all around you.

Yeah.

I think I could stay up all night long just to keep feeling like this.

posted by Anonymous @ 11:54 PM Comments: 0

daniel melted his hand at work. literally. second degree burns from 180 degree water left his skin in ripples. today: emergency room. tomorrow: plastic surgeon. a lot of days: physical therapy.

suddenly the fact that my whole computer was erased just doesnt matter so much.

posted by Anonymous @ 11:28 PM Comments: 0

when the bad gets going its pretty much unstoppable. you just have to kind of wait for it to wear itself out. and then you can start shovelling that huge pile of bullshit out of your mind.

i am trying to give away my life to make something better but i cant even do that. i cant do it because my fucking body cant handle living. and i walk around in a fever and god knows how long ive been doing it because i cant even feel it anymore. i thought i felt good until they told me otherwise but i guess the heat and the sweat werent the fault of the sun after all.

and i thought it would all be ok once i fell in love but i relied too heavily on other people's acceptance. so i hang up on my own parents just to stem the tide of "suggestions" and i hide concerned letters where i dont have to read them. i throw my keys across the room just to hear them crash into the cement walls.

once upon a time i thought i could just get into life here and be ok. but ill tell you what, if you try and get into something youll just get fucked over. you can spend a few hours and five pages trying to get into something but youll just get your effort tossed back carelessly onto your desk with a 5/5 written on it. and it wont count worth shit.

and all these people i dont know want to talk all the time. but i dont want to talk. i wish there was a decent way to tell them to fuck off. there isnt. i pretend to have conversation until enough time passes that i can successfully lie my way away.

well frankly all i can think to do about it is lie in bed when i should be in class, feeling sick and staring at the poster of open windows on my ceiling. so thats what im doing. and i write my troubles out on the internet in a desperate attempt to get them out of my head. well its a pretty stupid way to live but i think its working.

and i havent even resorted to the bottle of vodka in my refrigerator. and based on past history i think thats pretty fucking admirable.

posted by Anonymous @ 2:00 PM Comments: 0

it's 11:42 am and i dont have my first class for another hour and 18 minutes.

i like to lie in bed with my cell phone balanced against my ear, talking to simon until i fall asleep.

i like to eat dinner with my parents when they come up here for the evening.

i have succesfully wasted 18 minutes coming up with the previous three sentences.

which means its time to go get lunch and then go pretend i did the reading for my next class.

posted by Anonymous @ 9:41 AM Comments: 0

ups and downs, ups and downs. ups. ups and ups and ups. sometimes i get these intense feelings of emptiness that last for about 10 seconds and make me feel like my body is collapsing in on my heart. that's from missing you. then more ups. ups and ups and ups.

im happy again. one week happy, one week sad. back to happy. i would be ecstatic if you were here. but im ok with being happy.

i like this library. i like the smooth orange brown wood of this cubicle that forces me to interact only with my computer. i like the nice cool air of the building and the silence apart from the tapping of computer keys. i kind of wish i had brought some headphones so i could listen to music, but then i wouldnt be able to hear the music filtering in through the closed window. some sort of bells it sounds like. its nice.

my stomach is full and warm with coffee from the bagel shop and i hope itll wake me up enough to kick me into work mode soon. its so easy to just sit here and enjoy where i am instead of reading page after page on the computer screen. ah, well. ups and downs.

i rode the bus for about 45 minutes today without even knowing which bus i was on. i think that was probably the best part of the day.

posted by Anonymous @ 5:56 PM Comments: 1

Painted walls around me and it's the best way to live. Nothing like the cement blocks stacked around us back at college. And everything here is mine. Not like the things back at college that so many hands have already touched and claimed for their own. When you're home and walking down a dirt path with a great friend, not sure where you are or where you're going, tall crazy grasses piled up around you so you can't see - that's when you realize that manicured grass and groomed trees and brick pathways aren't enough. You realize it isn't enough to be surrounded by people you don't know, to get lost in a crowd, to be surrounded by man-made nature. There was about a week there when I thought it was enough. Now that I'm home, I know why that feeling faded.

I'm home and every flaw of the furniture, groan of the floor, hiss of the air conditioning is familiar. The fat blue cushions of my chair, the small soft body lying on my bed with her huge eyes and her underbite pointed in my direction as I type, the quiet calm of the neighborhood outside my window is all familiar.

It's hard enough to be here, in comfort and quiet solitude, without the person you love. I don't know how I'll do it when I get back to the crush and crowd of school. How I'll do it when all I've got to look at are cement walls and used furniture. Remembering the way we lay with only the rose colored light from my pig lamp, the way we turned the air down as cold as we could just so we could wrap ourselves in each other and blankets - I don't know how I can stand to go back. It's hard enough to remember it when I'm here.

All the pain of it is twisted until I can hardly tell the good from the bad. Which feelings are stronger - the walk through the arboretum, the concrete bench under the tree, the hours spend just lying in my bed; or the simple fact that those things won't happen again for god knows how long?

It's all mixed up into something crazy that I can't define. But the simple fact is that life is a twisted mix of good and bad and they aren't separable all the time. Maybe they aren't ever separable. So I'll take my bad with my good. I don't know how I'll stand to go back, but I've got all the memories of the good to push me through.

There is all of this good and bad feeling twisted up inside of me right now. Unlike a few days ago, there is also all this hope. All this hope soaking into the good and bad together, loosening them out of the hard knots they form inside me.

I guess a relationship is only long distance if the feelings start to fade. Because you are with me right now. I know that much. I know it.

posted by Anonymous @ 10:23 AM Comments: 1

parents and counselors tell you to focus on the good things in life. not to let the bad things get you down. as if willful ignorance, or, worse, willful callousness is a solution to anything but your own personal misery.

of course, once you have tried it, you realize how strong the temptation is to relieve your own personal misery at any cost.

there are days when all i feel is grateful for having this medicine, for having no tv, for having no news. there are days when i forget that there are other people and places in the world.

posted by Anonymous @ 3:17 PM Comments: 0