rain slick brick walkways.
white truck in red-brown mud.
emily knowing her poems were bullshit.
every word of every conversation with you.
fruit cut so that each edge of each piece was rippled.
stumbling on uneven bricks as strangers walk toward me.
and, that girl in my class whose face is the most beautiful, in profile, ive ever seen, but whose face is not nearly as spectacular from any other angle.
i kept noticing things today and just sort of zeroing in on them until that was all that was in my head. like watching the movements of my untied shoelace as i walked. i dont know, it was amazing. i kept seeing all these tiny things and it was amazing. the flecks of gray on a squirrels white belly as it stood on a stone wall with an acorn in its paws, its giant black eyes like the eyes of the statue that sits on my desk. i couldnt stop grinning about that squirrel and i let out a couple of involuntary giggles too but i tried to hide them. i dont know if this is allowed but i went in the student store and read a book for a while and then put it back on the shelf because i already own it. when i was reading i glanced down at the floor next to me and there was a yellow piece of paper taped there that read, "smile, you're on candid camera!" i looked around for a camera or something but i didnt see one. i felt bad thinking that if i was on camera, id have been boring to watch. my inside self is a lot more active than my outside self when im sober these days. im not sober now. it helps my fingers move to type out all these words. i dont know if this is what college is supposed to be or if this is what im supposed to be. just sitting around drinking rum and coke and not feeling responsible for anything. god i just dont know. its just all these tiny little things like the movements of your shoelace. its fucking beautiful. i wish i knew how to show it. but my outside self can be so unexpressive. especially of joy. its crazy. my inside self is in a constant state of frenzied action and sometimes the joy is so overwhelming that you cant even distinguish it from the sadness anymore. do you know what im talking about? you take any emotion to a certain point and you hit this plateau where everything just IS and its beautiful and its nothing all at the same time and you just sort of go numb and nothing feels real at all. its moments like that you could just die. from happiness or from pain, it doesnt matter. you could just die and it would be all right. i wish i was just a little bit more drunk because its wearing off pretty fast now but i think itll be ok. it doesnt matter if i drink or not, really. because everything is fucking beautiful just the way it is. and i could just die because im so happy that i cant even feel anything anymore. i dont know what is going on in my head.
i feel kind of like the dali poster on my wall. completely relaxed, melted into some sort of limp, dripping mess, but with pieces just flying off me. maybe i should be worried. im not.
when you cant get your mind off of the things you dont want to think about, just make yourself focus on something stupid. stare at your foot. play pinball on your computer. try to count your eyelashes in the mirror.
everything is a mind game. i think i can win.
Once again
I've posted this before, but apparently there is renewed demand. Having run out of ice cream flavors and badass wrestling maneuvers, I've changed number 3 to the more conventional liquor shot.
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a liquor I'd take a shot of with you.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must answer the question I ask you for #7.
Receiving a package of homemade brownies and a $100 check in the mail from my grandmother today came pretty close to balancing out the expletive-inducing news that my phone bill with simon, due to some confusion over our cellular plan, amounted to $800... yipes.
im not quite sure what it is about nighttime that leaves me in such a lousy mood, but every night by 10:00 its the same old thing. the daytime is all right though, and i guess you cant have it all. and maybe eventually these iron pills im taking will give me some damn energy.
Today I gave a presentation in front of a class full of upperclassmen without even feeling uncomfortable, I took a 4 hour nap, I played my first ever game of intramural innertube water polo and had more fun than I realized was possible in a swimming pool, I spent an excessively long time shaving my legs and just plain soaking in the shower, and now, lying in bed feeling warm and clean and sleepy, talking to Simon and listening to my iTunes on random, I am completely content.
I think that this must be how Sophie feels when she lies on her back in a patch of sunlight on the carpet with that goofy, happy look on her face: as though just for this moment, nothing can go wrong.
