i find that life is easier when it is just a blur with no details to confuse who or what or where i was
is it just in my own head that people are always around when you need them least? when im in a good state of mind, i tell myself that theory is unfair. in my present mood, i couldnt care less if it is fair or not. ah jesus i might as well not even try to explain it tonight because its clear that i cant even write a coherent sentence.
im thinking about quitting soccer.
this weekend was fucking terrific.
ive got a premonition that next weekend is going to be wonderful. who wants to help me make that happen??
And one day we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea, but for now we are young...
and sometimes i wonder who controls all of the light in the world, and why everything is always so dim and reddened like the pavement under the streetlight outside my window. the color doesnt carry any of the negative connotations of darkness; its just
there, an irrepressable part of the world that clings and divides and spreads until it covers everything. even the most beautiful parts of the day. standing under the clarity of the afternoon winter sky i can feel it around me and through the clamor of the girls at the gym i can hear it and sitting here at the computer i am swallowed by it. and i plead guilty to the charges brought against me: that i love this feeling. its a separation without the isolation of night; a controlled dimming without a blacking out; a softening of the edges without losing the picture. everything has its consequences though. where darkness was knowledge (however unwelcome or unpleasant), the move to light the streetlamps kills a part of the world that was once alive. darkness is knowledge. light is pleasure. they can never be wholly compatible and i suppose the struggles of the past few years, the struggles that i still fall back into when the mood overtakes me, are the result of my unwillingness to compromise knowledge with pleasure. but i plead guilty to the charges brought against me: that i love this feeling. i plead guilty to feeling good. if i knew exactly who to beg, i would beg to be allowed to stay this way.
