is this the city of angels or demons?

i kept noticing things today and just sort of zeroing in on them until that was all that was in my head. like watching the movements of my untied shoelace as i walked. i dont know, it was amazing. i kept seeing all these tiny things and it was amazing. the flecks of gray on a squirrels white belly as it stood on a stone wall with an acorn in its paws, its giant black eyes like the eyes of the statue that sits on my desk. i couldnt stop grinning about that squirrel and i let out a couple of involuntary giggles too but i tried to hide them. i dont know if this is allowed but i went in the student store and read a book for a while and then put it back on the shelf because i already own it. when i was reading i glanced down at the floor next to me and there was a yellow piece of paper taped there that read, "smile, you're on candid camera!" i looked around for a camera or something but i didnt see one. i felt bad thinking that if i was on camera, id have been boring to watch. my inside self is a lot more active than my outside self when im sober these days. im not sober now. it helps my fingers move to type out all these words. i dont know if this is what college is supposed to be or if this is what im supposed to be. just sitting around drinking rum and coke and not feeling responsible for anything. god i just dont know. its just all these tiny little things like the movements of your shoelace. its fucking beautiful. i wish i knew how to show it. but my outside self can be so unexpressive. especially of joy. its crazy. my inside self is in a constant state of frenzied action and sometimes the joy is so overwhelming that you cant even distinguish it from the sadness anymore. do you know what im talking about? you take any emotion to a certain point and you hit this plateau where everything just IS and its beautiful and its nothing all at the same time and you just sort of go numb and nothing feels real at all. its moments like that you could just die. from happiness or from pain, it doesnt matter. you could just die and it would be all right. i wish i was just a little bit more drunk because its wearing off pretty fast now but i think itll be ok. it doesnt matter if i drink or not, really. because everything is fucking beautiful just the way it is. and i could just die because im so happy that i cant even feel anything anymore. i dont know what is going on in my head.

posted by Anonymous @ 10:41 PM