We live in a beautiful world...
His eyes met mine briefly, wide and dark and unfathomable. I soaked in the sleek brown fur and black markings, shimmering gold like a hallucination under the autumn sun. It's like a drug to me, the way it fills my heart to bursting just to see something so beautiful and perfect and living. Watching the squirrels and chipmunks getting ready for winter makes me feel more alive (or at least more willing to be alive). Their jaws stretch wide to hold acorns as their paws claw furiously at the pine straw covered ground. I want to help them, to bury little gold mines of acorns for them to find later, but I don't think it would work. So I just watch and it's impossible to suppress a slight smile because it feels like the warmth of alcohol rushing through my veins, only ten times better. If you just watch closely, noting every twitch of every muscle and every piece of shining fur, it is miraculous. I don't understand how people who believe in god don't marvel at least as much as I do at the absolute perfection of animals. I would think they'd be even more inclined than me. But regardless of anyone else, I will continue to melt into pure wonder every time. And it's things like that which keep me going beyond the nightmares that wake me up in a sweat with images of car wheels and animals impossibly entwined in my head. It's ironic that the same things that make me feel the worst are the things that make me feel best. Situational irony, I guess. The second I fall in love the camera angle changes and I'm back in the world of my nightmares.But if I walk outside with my iPod playing the most beautiful songs I know, watching the world in all of it's beautiful colors, it feels like walking through a movie. The music highlights every single indescribable detail and nothing has ever looked so good.
This is how I deal with not being with you right now. With so many beautiful things, with green parks and goofy faced dogs, with autumn sunlight on autumn colored trees, and with the sculpted body of the praying mantis on the sidewalk outside, it is impossible not to believe that everything will work out.
posted by Anonymous @ 7:11 PM
