she says "it's only in my head." she says "shhh... i know it's only in my head."
its bad the way i stay up at nights afraid to go to bed because i might hear and see the things i know arent even real. and its bad the way i lose it in the middle of the day with the sunshine on my face and friends on every side. so i walk with measured steps to the restroom and lock myself in a metal stall where my eyelids turn my vision black and i dont have to be real anymore. nothing is real anymore. its bad the way i hate so many people and ignore so many people and love so many people. i cant figure out who i am or who i should be or who i want to be. its bad the way i sit here in the darkness of this sleeping house and i dont care shit about anything except myself. something inside me cant bring itself to believe in the existence of anything besides myself. maybe something inside me doesnt want to believe in anything besides myself. that would involve accepting truths that i have spent years refusing to acknowledge. sometimes i just sit around in my bedroom and think about all the things that terrify me, just to get myself into that worked up state. at least then i know im awake. sometimes i feel so alone i cant breathe. havent you ever felt that? that feeling of being nothing, of being relegated to the background for forever, of infinite insignificance. well sometimes i figure if i cant be anything, then nothing can be anything to me. and i have no faith in anything. and i am often unfair. and i am rarely right. and i am almost never happy. so i sit here in this sleeping house and i find it impossible to care shit about anything except myself, and maybe not even that. maybe i just dont care about anything and it turns me bitter towards the whole world. like watching everyone crying after the soccer game that we lost yesterday and feeling the dark blue fabric of my jersey clinging rough and cold against my skin after being soaked by unseasonably cold rain. wishing i could just get away from everyone because i cant feel their tears. i cant care about things like that. all i can see is their insignificance. or maybe its just that i care way too much about the big things. things like life and death and hate and love. so much that i cant stand it and it turns me bitter towards the whole world. and everything else just seems so... insignificant.tomorrow i will wake up and tonight wont have existed. tomorrow i will wake up and be alive and energetic and in love. tonight will not have existed. i will read this back to myself at some point and i will be sorry i ever wrote it out - be sorry for the words that come from me - be sorry for the feelings that are in me. i will understand that this is not fair to you. i hope you understand that. i hope you leave me before i hurt you.
posted by Anonymous @ 10:04 PM
