The truth is that gossip's as good as gospel in this town. You can save face but you won't ever save your soul.
ugly grey day and cold. made me feel like falling into a little heap of grey ashes and just laying there on the ground. im sick of doing what everyone else wants me to be doing. i want to do what i want to do. seems like everyone wants me to think that their big deal is my big deal. teachers and coaches and parents and everyone. jesus christ sometimes even friends with their constant temptations to skip the things i ought to be doing, so we can go have fun. i want to have fun but i dont want the consequences, and sometimes i wish they would just let me be boring and busy and inaccessible. sometimes i really wish that. most of the time i want to just drop everything and go sit around with them and not even do anything. like we do at lunch. just sit around and not do anything and talk. but i am boring and busy and inaccessible. its getting to me. some days i think everything will be better next year, just keep hoping for next year and trying not to think too much about the current one. ugly grey days like these i dont think anything is going to get better. not next year or the one after that or ever. just more of the same and never content. but at least im not depressed anymore. oh no, not that. these days im much more like bipolar. because the bad moods are still there but the up days are way up, uncontrollably so. so much that it worries me that i am out of control. but fuck it all anyway and forget control for once. its still better than it was before. much better (believe that, dammit, would you just believe in the words you write). besides, im sick of everything being in control. i think it would be best if we could all just let go and let things take their course. its not like it will change much in the end anyway, whether we struggle or whether we lay back and drift. everything ends. everything dies. some things will always be worth the struggle but for the most part i just want to lay back and drift. most things arent as important as people want you to think. the race to be best is not that important, the race to be first and on top and perfect. thats someone elses big deal. i dont want that to be my big deal. no. i dont want a big deal. i just want to relax. its unfortunate that i find that to be currently impossible.
posted by Anonymous @ 4:45 PM
