is this the city of angels or demons?

lying on the couch with your head in the lap of the person you love, knowing that everything about each moment is slipping away one atom at a time - it hurts. and you can squirt some salt water out of your eyes to try and fill the emptiness that is taking over, but you will never fill anything up. knowing that so many people are pleased that this is ending, knowing that they cant see that this is the happiest you have been in the longest time - it hurts. but you know they are doing their best, and youve just got to forgive. so i lay on the couch with my head in the lap of the person i love and felt everything slipping away. i wanted to run upstairs and grab my camera and crystalize everything about every moment that passed, keep it caged and on display permanently, but my legs are too weak to run anywhere after all the sickness that has been gutting my body. so i just watched your face, every particle that makes up your face. every piece of hair, every freckle, the lines that make up your silhouette. im sorry im too sick to kiss you.

lying in bed after you left, i let everything i associate with you flow through my head in a disorganized, chaotic stream. just words and ideas and images. like cloud chamber, here comes the airplane, messing with my hair, terrible godawful miserable direction-giving, sorry about calling you puppy kicker it was my fault, the beach, starfish, monkey face, cookie monster, the bridge over I-40, hey i like your lip ring. thanks, want to make out?, art lord vs spader, punching me in the jaw, all the fights we had just to make up, eating inside the house of branches, sin city and scarface and kill bill and donnie darko and fight club and scotland pa and noi, throat healing third place tea, driving, every red light we ever hit, ninja turtle toes, and oh jesus so much more. i slept really well last night. i slept great.

there is so much about this that hurts right now. god knows that this hurts in a way that even the breath clogging, saliva blocking, raw, bleeding pain in my throat cant challenge. but at the same time this is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. this is beautiful in a way that even the most beautiful heartwrenching music ever heard in the history of the world cant challenge. i dont regret anything about anything we ever did. not a second of it. i promise you i never will. it would be so easy to let myself become trapped in the pain of this right now. and we all know how easy it is for me to let myself get sucked into those kinds of feelings. but right now i think i would rather let myself become trapped in the indescribable beauty of what has been, and what i desperately hope will still be. the happiness - its more representative of what we have had.

i love you. so much that i do not know how to go about putting it into words, i love you. with everything in me, from the bottom of my heart - i love you. i hope neither of us ever forget that, even if time brings changes. i hope these memories remain as glorious as they are right at this moment, this one instant in time. even if i dont dare hope for anything more, i will hope for that.

posted by Anonymous @ 6:33 AM