Today has been a dream. Sometimes it's easier to reject reality than to accept that what is confronting you is true. I have been fighting life with lies but they all crumble away sooner or later and then the people you lied to are just pissed off and you've got nothing left to fight with.
I guess my problem is that I lack some important qualities: respect for authority, love for what I'm told to love, worry regarding what is supposed to be important, and hatred for what I'm told to hate.
I guess I don't have a problem at all. I don't even have a problem with people having a problem with that, or with me.
I've been slapped in the face with a beautiful past and it is nearly as surreal as the present. Kids from Durham days that remember my name and face and want to see me again. Kids who used to be the same stupid kid that I was. Kids who are older and more attractive now. Ah oops I'm not supposed to be concerned with physical attraction, am I?
I love you, Simon. Regardless of anything and everything that has ever happened or will ever happen, or maybe because of anything and everything that has ever happened or will ever happen.
I can't believe how much I love you.
Those kids in Durham, me included, were like some crazy idealistic image of childhood. Or at least that's how my memory plays it back. Like it was too good to be real. Must have been man-made. And probably it was. Probably I made all this up in my head.
Probably I made up the construction of shelters in the woods, the yellow school bus rusting in my back yard, sailing through the air on the neighbors' hammock, flying across the creek on a rope tied to a tree branch, water balloon wars, and day after day of riding our bikes through the hot streets. Probably life was just as flawed and ridiculous as it is now. I just don't want to remember it that way.
These names that keep popping up, they hardly make sense. Jonah and Ryan and all those Magellan kids. I feel like I can't touch them, like the second I try they'll just evaporate. I kind of feel that way about everything.
Except you. I desperately want to hold on to you right now. I don't know what else to do. I guess there isn't anything else to do. Just hold on.
Why am I here writing? Why am I doing anything? I don't know. I haven't got any answers. All I've got is this massive, heartwrenching, possibly foolish love for you.
So stupid I've got to write it on the internet where no one gives a shit about reading it. Where no one gives a shit about anything at all.
posted by Anonymous @ 10:24 PM
