and these clocks keep unwinding and completely ignore everything that we hate or adore
we sat on the dusty metal slabs of bleachers above the dusty tiled floor of the gym and just talked about everything : nothing : past : present : future for an hour and a half. somewhere in the world it was dark : light : hot : cold and somewhere it was day : night but none of that affects us where we sit on dusty metal bleachers. time is immaterial but i can feel it falling in waves around me like a dress falling from my body to the floor leaving me exposed but purified. and im not sure of where the past fades into the present, and i cant predict where the present will fade into the future. it grows even more unpredictable with all of these desires that are rattling around inside of me, noisy like bells. i am attracted to millions of people and i wish i could narrow my focus but at the same time i love it this way with the sense of infinite connections it brings. and of course attraction can mean many things, and, even if her father is unclear about its nature, my attraction to annie is very different from my attraction to boys, and my attraction to boys in general is very different from the specific attractions i form for boys, and those in turn are entirely different from the attraction i feel when i read james joyce or when that guy in the spanish band started wailing on that electric guitar like a reincarnation of a god. so i sit here infinitely far away from anyone associated with the earlier events of the day and type into the distance, "when are you coming back?" and i care about the answer but not so much as you might think. attractions fade quickly. things are different when you are upright and awake and without that fatal heat leaning directly against you. of course i know im leading him on but a sense of pleasure accompanies the sense of guilt. i tell myself that i dont need to worry. i tell myself it wont come to anything. i tell myself that my options are so open its vulgar.
posted by Anonymous @ 5:25 PM
